Coffee through a straw... =)

Coffee through a straw? I sighed as I scrolled through recent posts on my favorite blog. Yep, it’s true. I’ve been reading a complete stranger’s blog for the last…oh, year and a half or so. Sometimes I wonder, “Does this make me a stalker?”

Anyways, the name of the blog is “Coffee Through A Straw” (in case you didn’t catch that). So I started wondering what sipping coffee through a straw is like. I figured that it was probably weird and somewhat disgusting. I mean, yeah I drink frappes and stuff through straws (that’s pretty much the only way to do it) but, coffee? Hot, black, coffee? You’ve got to be kidding me. However, I’m all for trying new things (as long as it isn’t weird, dumb, nonsensical, gross, or extremely difficult. Sooooo….maybe not!) So when I came across a straw and a pot of coffee today, I thought, “Why not?” and I tried it.

There are really no legitimate words to describe just how much a straw can magnify the wonder of one’s coffee experience…but I will say this:

I will be investing in a stock pile of straws.

And if you haven’t had (or for that matter, read) coffee through a straw….then do it.

not to be confused with love or anything...

WARNING: Ahem, if you're easily offended please do both of us a favor and don't read this.


 ...no really, I mean it. I don't want any whining, kay? This is me venting. Deal with it.


For those of you still reading....

I am so SICK of.....oh how can I put it in one or two words?

I guess I can't.

Basically, you know those friends on facebook who just "fell in love" and their posting all this crap whether it be pictures, lyrics, or hearts upon hearts, and all that?
Yeah, well I'm so sick of it. I mean, it doesn't bother me ALL the time...like, I see my friends Hannah and Noelle and their guys and I think it's cute! But God forbid, it drives me INSANE when it comes to other people! Like the whole "Omg, he bought me chocolateeee! Let’s take a billion pictures of the box and the wrappers and me eating it and then post it on faceboooooook" (as far as I know, none of my friends have done that....I'm just using it as an example.) thing. And when they post dumb lyrics on each other’s walls for real, I mean if my "boyfriend" posted cheesy lyrics on my wall every day....well, I'd be changing my relationship status to "single".
 Forgive me, but I'm simply not taken by sweet words. Especially when SOMEONE ELSE WROTE THEM. Can I get a witness? Autie, I know you're reading this, you have to agree right?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to bash my facebook friends or anything. I don't *HAVE* to go to their pages....but my gosh, it's disgusting.

And it kind of got me thinking....those dumb guys (sorry) and their flowers and chocolates and lyrics....I mean, I don't know how to say this...I guess, if THAT'S how you're ''winning'' your girl, then you need to get your priorities straight my friend.
Yeah I mean, it's totally flattering to receive chocolate (especially when you remember her favorite kind) and flowers (but only if you PICKED THEM YOURSELF, come on...it's SO much more romantic.) and lyrics (if you sing them on her voicemail or something…I think that’d be cute/funny/still insanely dumb and cheesy)...but if that's all you're doing...
I mean, what about quality time? What about things that aren't going to die, be eaten, or go out of style? What about the things that are important to relationships? Like religion, politics (yep, I said it), ethics, and family? The things that are gonna last, you know? Maybe I'm insane. Or maybe they are.
I mean, look at it this way...you can't buy friendship so what makes you think you can buy a girlfriend? 'Nuff said.
So after taking notes on what I'm not going to do if/when I get "in a relationship" (even though I'm staying single forever)...I came up with 4 major no-no's.

1. No, "I love you moooorrrreeeeee".
2. No posting random "<3 <3 <3 <3" stuff on his wall.
3. No, "Eeeep!!! It’s our four week anniversaryyyy I love youuu babeee!!! <3" stuff.
4. And no matter how cute we are together, I will not take picture updates of us every single day. People don't change that much in 24 hours. Sorry.

call it what you want...

I broke the news to my mother today.

It was hard. I was so afraid that I would let her down. Decisions….

“Mom….I have to tell you something” I said in my best ‘’this-is-serious-crap-here-voice’’.

Mom looked at me and smiled. I sighed long and hard. It was time to break the news. The news that I was pretty sure she wouldn’t want to hear. Her worst nightmare may be fulfilled in these words.

I just let it out though. I told her as quickly as possible: “I decided that I’m going to stay single forever and live here all my life. I’m never moving out. I’m sick of guys. I want nothing to do with them.”

Then my mom burst out laughing and gave me a mom hug and told me she’d love it if I lived with them until death do us all part. I took that as reverse psychology, meaning that she’s going to try to smother me so I move out as soon as financially possible. That’s when I told her that maybe I’d get an apartment in town…but I was still going to be single forever.

See…I got this book for Christmas.

Big deal.

Well the thing is… I started reading it last night. It’s about learning to be a guy’s “help meet” and finding the right man. Seems harmless enough right?

Well look here kid; there are three different types of men (with a few variations of each type).

There are Visionary guys, these guys are typically the ones that my mother and any other mother, would call their daughter insane for even considering. They’re usually artsy and romantic and somewhat insane (but what artist isn’t?). They’re intense and focused and tend to throw money around like the rich guys they probably aren’t.

Then there are the Mr. Steady guys, who are loyal and sweet BUT they like neat and tidy women who are driven and blah blah blah. My daddo is a Mr. Steady and he’s about as easy going and content as one could ever be. But you know what? As sweet as all that is….I’m sorry, I want someone who is slightly unpredictable (in good ways) and sharp and witty.

Last and certainly least, is the Command Man. These are the demanding guys who basically want you to wait on them hand and foot. Need I say more? Those kinds of guys freak me out. I know some, they make good enough friends but I’d jump off the Eifel Tower before I’d marry one of those fellas.

So there we go…three different kinds of guys to choose from (I mean, you can get a Mister Steady with some Visionary etc etc etc or something). Which do I want?

Gee let me think (taps chin thoughtfully)…..

And that’s when I decided to be single forever.

Because, I started thinking, “What do I have to bring to any relationship other than friendship? I mean like a marriage relationship?” (NOTE: I wasn’t/still not planning on getting married anytime soon, but I just thought, “It’s probably a good time to figure all this out now”)

The answer is…simply…nothing. Except for that I make killer cheesecake and I’ll listen to your problems until the cows come home. Oh, and sarcasm…I’ve got plenty of that, but I’ve met very few guys that appreciate it. And even fewer that understood it.

So: 1. Killer Cheesecake 2. You can tell me anything

I didn’t put the sarcasm thing down because I’m looking for “positive traits”.

Let’s seeee….

I’m not the best cook.

I sure as heck am not the tidiest girl.

Oh and another thing, the book said that guys like girls who are “weaker vessels” they like delicate-ish girls. Well, I’m not delicate. I’m a “weaker vessel” than most guys I know, but I’m not a wimp. I’m perfectly capable of doing anything I set my mind to. I don’t need a guy. That’s supposed to be a bad thing apparently.

I don’t know, basically I’ve just got this jumble of thoughts racing through my mind…the best solution I can think of is this:

Me getting a cozy apartment with a cute dog, getting a job at some coffee shop (or pursuing my music. Or both) and living alone for the rest of my life. I might even ride a motorcycle and get a few tattoos. Who knows? The only downside is, there won’t be any cute guy to make me coffee in the morning and take out the trash. Sigh, oh well.

So that’s what I’ve decided.

You know, the funny thing about all this is…I can’t even stand love songs right now. Usually I’m a sappy bucket of poetry and happy songs about prince charming….but I’m not anymore. And that’s what I love about one of my new favorite bands, Foster The People, not all of their songs are sappy songs. In fact I think there’s only two. My two favorite songs of theirs right now are Pumped Up Kicks and Call It What You Want. Another thing I love about them is, none of the guys in the band are all that cute. Which is great, because the last thing I need is another celebrity crush (although I haven’t had one in years thank God).

That was probably the most random pointless thing I’ve ever written. However it felt quite wonderful to vent. Anyways, I’m going to keep reading this book and hope that I’m granted some revelation that will change my disdainful view on guys.

Another thing, sometimes I wish that I was a cartoon so I could marry Charlie Brown and live happily ever after….but he’s probably already taken. All the good ones are :)

the ugly sweater...and some other things =)

Blogging has been a challenge for me these last few weeks. It seems like I have nothing interesting, witty, humorous, to write about. I mean, (referring to my “the dog that just won’t die” post) my grandpa’s evil poodle still hasn’t died and I’m telling you, I’ve been waiting sixteen long dreadful years for that moment. And frankly I think it’d make a nice post. I could call it….oh let me see….”Curl up and die” after one of my favorite Relient K songs. Or maybe, “Ding dong the wicked dog is dead”, “How to cook poodles”, “The dog that didn’t go to heaven”….I could go on. Point being, I’m waiting patiently for this beast to die so I can write about it! I was also considering writing something super deep and intellectual sounding. However, I’m not the intellectual type and that and deepness walk hand in hand I guess. I was also thinking about writing about this great book I read called, “Be Intolerant (because some things are just stupid)”. Then I was thinking about writing of how commercial Christmas has become. But that’s depressing, and I’d like to stay away from bringin’ y’all down.

Then also I was considering writing about how my pastor’s cat is trying to kill me (I babysit his little girls and the cat has been attacking me at random.) but I just read on one of my favorite blogs (http://ibronco.blogspot.com/2011/12/christmas-commercial.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+CoffeeThroughAStraw+%28Coffee+Through+a+Straw%29#!/2011/12/cat-problem.html) about how cat’s hate this guy and the guy hates cats….it was funny but, he totally stole my idea (actually in all honesty…he didn’t).

So I decided…finally… just to basically write about my day. Actually my yesterday. So prepare yourselves to read a post that has no point, no conclusion, but is in all reality just a jumble of random happenings.

I woke up Wednesday morning later than I usually do and rubbing the sleep out of my eyes I picked up my phone to check my texts. I opened one from my friend Autumn; she asked if I wanted to hangout downtown that afternoon around 1:30. I told her to meet me at Jolly’s Cookies and Café.

 Jolly’s ohhhhh oh oh Jolly’s…..I’ve been to just about every coffee shop in Petoskey and I must admit that Jolly’s is my favorite (Even though Jolly is the name of that dog that just won’t die).

 I’m not a fan of super sweet coffee = Jolly’s doesn’t make super sweet coffee

I hate those super crowded, dark, noisy, coffee shops = Jolly’s is light and homey and um, they have CHEESECAKE!

I love espresso for real = Jolly’s uses espresso like fat kids use sugar

So anyways, we met at Jolly’s.  We got up to order our coffee from a just barely six feet tall kid with tiny eyes and a face only his mother could love. While Autie and I were waiting I noticed an old man nearby eagerly anticipating his coffee’s arrival. I started looking around and pretending to be somewhat interested in my surroundings. Soon our coffees were done. The old man who was still waiting gasped and shouted, “Do you know what he put in your coffee?!?!” I smiled politely and shook my head, but before I could say “errrr no….” he continued in an overly excited voice, “FOUR SHOTS OF ESPRESSO! FOUR! FOUR SHOTS! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?” then he dragged me over to the middle of the room and got everyone’s attention, he pointed at me and hollered again, “THIS GAL HERE GOT FOUR SHOTS OF ESPRESSO!” Then he let out somewhat of a cackling, hacking, guffaw and I walked away stiffly as ten or so pairs of eyes followed me.  When I got away from the old guy, Autie and I exchanged a glance and giggled. Autie, being the super blogger that she is, took a billion pictures of our coffee and then later on our cheesecake before while and after we ate it.

Then I checked the time and remembered that I needed to shop for an ugly Christmas sweater for my youth group’s ugly Christmas sweater party. And so alas me and Autie walked through town up to one of the resale stores called “A Penny Saved”.  They’re kind of known for their old lady clothes (although I must admit that I’ve found a few cute-ish things there) so I figured this would be the perfect spot to find my ugly sweater. I was right, and I promptly walked out with a super soft/super hideous sweater complete with random beaded/sequined Christmas-y stuff.

After that, we ran around downtown doing random things such as looking at metronomes and Adele sheet music in Music Makers and taking tons of pictures in an alley. We also hung out in the park for awhile. There’s a railroad thing that runs through the park and I thought it’d be fun (considering my clumsiness + terrible balancing skills) to try and walk on one of the rails. While I was trying not to fall off this little rail, I felt something fall on my head. I stopped in my tracks and felt my head. I didn’t feel anything to I asked Autie to investigate. “Oh, I think it’s just a seed!” she said as she picked it out of my hair. The “seed” squished in her hand. Presently, we decided that it was a little ‘’gift’’ from a bird in the tree above me. We both squealed in disgust and decided the alley was safer.

After these events I rushed home in order to prepare for the ugly sweater party. When I got home, my mom asked me to run something up to my grandma (who lives like, a 3^rd of a mile up the road from me). As I walked in the door my grandma started exclaiming about how beautiful my sweater was. I looked down at my “beautiful sweater” and didn’t have the heart to tell her that I was actually going to an ugly sweater party and I was hoping this would win first place.

It didn’t win first, and it was not (by far) the ugliest sweater there. Personally I thought that my friend Benny’s sweater was the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, but he didn’t win either. Funny :)

One more thing, I was talking to our youth leader Matt, about this book “Be Intolerant” and he asked me to teach a lesson on it. I flipped out and told him that there’s no way. But he told me to pray about it. So I’ve been praying about it. Part of me SO wants to do it, it’s such a great lesson that really needs to be put out there. On the other hand…I have to be like…the worst public speaker ever. Last time I had a public speaking project, I felt like I was gonna puke and I talked so fast that I don’t think anyone got what I was saying. What do I do? Really you guys, I need your input. I mean, yeah in the end it’s between me and God…but people opinions help too.

So yep. There’s my blog post with no conclusion. Enjoy.

you've got mail...

Okay you guys, what’s with those moronic “forward this or you’re going to hell” chain letters/facebook statuses?

You know the ones that you open, and they have a serene picture of Jesus, it goes on and on about how much He loves you and all that good stuff and then…

Forward this to 12 people (a symbol of the twelve disciples of course) in the next 40 minutes and you’ll meet the love of your life tomorrow, and if you forward this to your whole contacts list than you’ll marry this person in 2 years 1 month 3 weeks 5 days 9 hours and 46 minutes. Jesus said, ‘if you deny me in front of your friends I’ll deny you in front of my Father’. Send this to all your friends if you love Jesus!

I’m sorry (actually I’m not…), but that is the most gargantuan load of bull crap that I’ve ever heard in my life. “IF you love Jesus”

Um…I happen to love Jesus…but I’m NOT sending that around to all you guys…

…I’m one of those people that doesn’t do something just because someone wants me to.

Exhibit 1: “You HAVE to be at this event in 2 hours”

Watch me NOT show up.

Exhibit 2: “If you keep wearing that black nail polish, you’re going to go to hell.”

Not only will I paint my nails black, I’ll dye my hair black and wear black, ripped, studded stuff just to watch you get down on your knees and beg God to take back my soul.

I know….it’s not right. I’ve learned to avoid the Exhibit 2 behavior out of the small amount of consideration I grant to certain individuals.

I just really hate it when people try to pressure me into doing things. Like forwarding retarded chain letters.

I noticed that these “share this or die” statuses, have been attacking my facebook news feed. These aren’t just about God, they’re about things like bullying and cancer and supporting our nation’s troops.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love God. I do NOT deny Him in front of my friends, but I sure as heck am not reposting those things. God isn’t going to hate me if I don’t re post. I think it shows insecurity when you repost them. Like, “I donno if my faith is strong enough and so I’m going to repost this status and pray to God that it can earn me a spot in paradise.”

And yeah I’m totally against bullying, it’s wrong. I hate to break it to you, but no one is going to stop bullying because of your status.

 I’ve known lots of people that have died from cancer or fought and won, but all the ones I know would probably snort in disgust if they thought that I thought reposting a silly chain status in their memory would make their day.

As for our soldiers…I know several people fighting overseas right now. Some of them are family. And I am SO STINKING PROUD OF THEM, but I’d rather send a few care packages and letters than post a chain status they won’t see.

You can say that you support this or that, but why don’t you prove it? You can run your mouth all day about how much you appreciate (for example) our soldiers. Sometimes though, putting a bumper sticker on your car isn’t enough. Posting a chain status probably doesn’t cut it. Sorry. I really hate to take your high hopes and burn them to the ground (sarcasm). If you’re going to repost, back it up with some proof. And stop forwarding me all that crap. Please and thank you.

What the snow?

Yes, it’s baaaaa-aaaaack.

 The snow.

The ice.

The cold.

                          Gray…..…

                                                                    Lifeless…….

                                                                                                      Merciless……..

                                                     

                                                                                                                                                  ….Skies of DOOM.

(insert screaming sounds here)

The last few weeks I’ve been leaving the house without my coat. I guess it’s just that “Oh, there’s no snow on the ground yet soooo it can’t be THAT cold” mindset that I have (Now there’s snow on the ground and I can’t use that excuse). Honestly, I think I’ve been in denial. Actually, I think I still am. In October, I was actually kind of looking forward to the coming winter. Now that it’s actually here….well….I want to move somewhere warm and sunny. Last night when I was laying in bed under like, ten thousand blankets, shivering, I closed my eyes and pretended that I was at the beach. I imagined the warm rays of sun…the splashing waves…the high pitched screams of all the annoying twelve year old girls that just discovered what a leech is (yes we have tons of leeches in the Mitt). I imagined what it would be like to not have to wear big bulky sweaters and wool socks during the winter. I considered blowing my college savings and treating myself to a trip to Hawaii. I can almost feel the soft breeze on my face; I can see the palm trees swaying. I can hear those people with the silly flower necklaces, singing out of tune along with their ukuleles.  I can see the ocean…I can—

(happy ukulele music stops abruptly)

I’ve lived here in Michigan my whole life. Yes I probably have a romanticized view of the world beyond Michigan in which there is no winter. Truth is, I haven’t *really* been far outside the mitten. I mean, I’ve been to Canada…but Canada and MI are one in the same except we only say “Eh?” at the END of every sentence, as opposed to every other word.

I’ve been to Ohio three times and I must conclude that it’s the dullest state I’ve ever been to. Of course I must admit that my view was from that of the turnpike and therefore I suppose I can’t judge the whole state on the 300 miles of fields I did see.

I’ve been in Wisconsin…their cheese is better.

Now Pennsylvania….I want to live there. Be-a-u-tiful.

New York…kind of scares me. The accents…? Boston. Eh…

So like I was getting at…I haven’t been anywhere warm and tropical. Really though…I don’t care about the tropical part! I just want to see the sun again! I’m ready to hitchhike to Phoenix AZ! I saw on the news a few days ago that it’s still in the 80’s there.

I heard a rumor…that the ski hills are open. You know what this means? I’ll tell you what this means. It means that I have to go get my snowboard waxed (because I have no clue how to do it myself), and pretend that I enjoy being outside, for the next four months. Maybe five months. The only upside I can think of would be snowmobiling. And I could even live without that. Yep. That’s right. I said it.

So why don’t I move away, you ask?

Because when it isn’t snowing….Michigan is the loveliest place in the world. Or one of them. In the springtime, right around my birthday, the woods springs to life. The buds on the trees, unfurl to show off their new leaves. The trilliums (so called endangered, psh) and the little pink wildflowers, positively cover every open woodsy piece of land. And of course you can find squirrels the size of small rabbits, scampering around (usually running from my insane dog). Every once in a while, you see new fawns with their tiny white spots, following their mother through our yard (or garden more like).

So yes, even though Michigan’s winter is longer than its spring/summer….the latter is what makes living here so worthwhile. And beautiful. Because it’s the only way for me to make it through the winter (dramatic sigh), I will hold on to the coming summer and deny the cold for as long as humanly possible.