new year, new church....

Change is difficult.

I like it sometimes, but right now it seems like the hardest thing in the world.

Over the last few years I’ve felt myself pulling away from my church. It’s not like my church is terrible, or the doctrine is messed up, or that I don’t like my pastor. Because our church is good, the doctrine is straight up, and I positively adore my pastor and his family.

I’ve been going to this church for almost 11 years now. Anything I’ve experienced in my childhood and growing up, my church has been there. I feel so much at home there that I could probably curl up in a pew and take a nap without thinking anything of it. God has taught me everything there. It was there that my faith became for real and not just something my parents taught me. It was there that I found What I Was Looking For. It was in that tiny building that I got counseling from my pastor as a rebellious 13 year old, which changed how I look at myself and other people.

It was at that church, I discovered how much I love music. I’ve been on the worship team there for almost three years (it would have been 3 in February) and that’s where I learned like, everything I know. I started out barely knowing what I was doing (although after 4 years of playing guitar, sometimes I still feel like I donno what I’m doing). Every worship practice back then wasn’t just practice, it was a time in which I learned not only like, five chords per practice….but also I learned how one can connect with God through worship.

After being on the team for about a year, I started playing bass (when our bass player came to lead worship and we swapped instruments). I had only been playing for four days, but the team believed in me and pushed me to be what I didn’t think I could (not that I’m anything great! Haha). They took me in and welcomed me. I mean, our team was/is kind of funny (especially because the youngest of them has got 15 years on me!).  There’s our goofy fun loving pastor who plays with us sometimes, there’s Dan (our drummer) and Becky…they’re like family to me. Then there’s Ryan (worship leader) and Anna who are pretty much the sweetest people ever. Like I said, these guys are like family to me. And now that we’ve made the hard decision to leave our church…well, leaving all of them is gonna be one of the most difficult things ever.

See, I love these people dearly but…I feel like…like I’ve totally outgrown my church. No, I’m not saying that I posses some great wisdom that no one else there has. It’s not like I’m too good for them or anything. It’s more like, I’ve changed…a lot. And the church hasn’t. What was right for me and my family then, no longer is. Also, I don’t really have any “go to” people there that are my age. It’s just a lot of little things that have built up and made big things. Which sucks, but almost everyone changes churches in their lifetime…it’s normal right?

Still hard. Part of me wants to leave…actually most of me does…but there’s that part of my heart that is still with the church. I’ve been in tears since I woke up and we had to break it to my pastor and worship leader that we’re going.

Alas, the search for a new church begins and I’m terrified. I’m SO scared that we’re going to walk in to some church, sit down, and the pastor is going to say, “All the visitors stand up so everyone can see ya!” That freaks me out. I went to one of my friends’ churches a while back, and they asked all the visitors to raise their hands. I didn’t. And then there are the churches that don’t pay any attention whatsoever to new people that walk in the door. I don’t know which is worse. I’d really like to have a happy medium. I donno…

I’m kind of beginning to come up with a list (in no particular order) of things I want in a church…wanna see?

1.       This one is obvious but…I want a super sound, Bible believing, “Open yeerrrrrr Bible to…” church.

2.       I want to have a church full of people that I really look up to, people that’ll give me advice and counseling.

3.       Um. This is selfish and shallow, but I want friends. I have none in my church, besides who I’ve already listed and errrr, no offense but, y’all are old ;)

4.       I want good meaningful worship. I want to clap my hands and be smiling as I sing to God about how awesome He is.

5.       I want to come home filled up and so overflowing with Jesus that I can’t help but share Him with everyone I come in contact with.

6.       I want to go to Sunday school. Yep.

7.       I don’t want to sit in a pew. Ha. Naw, I’m not going to base a church on whether or not their seats are comfy but, wouldn’t it be loverly?

8.       I want a church where everyone is there for each other. I want a church that isn’t just a building.

The only thing that really downright sucks about leaving is that I know I’ll never find a pastor like mine. I seriously just burst in to tears AGAIN writing that sentence. Um, wow…yeah. I mean, this is the guy who (besides my Daddo and Benny) is ALWAYS THERE. I swear, I could probably call him at three in the morning and he would be more worried about my well-being than the lack of sleep he was getting. This is also the guy that told his evil cat to attack me…but, you know. I’ve learned so much from him spiritually and musically. He and his family are family to me. He’s like a weird funny uncle or something. He’s one of two whole reasons why I don’t want to leave. He and the Gearharts/Jakeways are what I’m really going to miss. The reason that I’ve been in tears all day.

I rest my case: change is hard. It’s necessary though…

So to anyone from church that may be reading this right now. Thank you, thank you for helping me grow in Christ. For giving me a place to be me and no one else.

Yours truly….

Love, Hol.