So a few days ago I wrote a blog about how I’m not dating until I’m eighteen and yadda yadda. Inspiring right? But you know it’s easy to say “Oh I’m doing this you should do it too and be perfect like me” and crap, but it’s way harder to actually practice what I’m yelling at you guys.
Picture me in my car driving to the beach all happy and single and free with the wind blowing my frizzy blonde hair in my face, I’m singing along to One Direction’s “One Thing”. I pull into the parking lot and step out of my car, pick a perfect place on the beach and I sit down. By myself. Then I hear laughing and I look up, there’s a couple walking hand in hand with their feet barely touching the ground as they’re walking along. He says something sweet, she blushes, and they walk past. Out in the water there’s an old couple splashing each other with water like silly twelve year olds. Over to my right there are some kids that are way too young to be dating that are flirting and being stupid. I shake my head and lay back in the hot sand. Then I have an idea! Why not block out the sounds of all the happy couples around me? So I turn on Pandora. Alas, they play songs like “I’m yours” by Jason Mraz, “Roman Candle” by Fun, and a bunch of other cute sweet romantic songs. Inside myself, I just…I just…I curl up and die. I get up (all the seagulls around me flap their wings nervously) and I let out an agonizing scream, “WILL YOU GUYS JUST STOP IT ALREADY?!?!”All the happy couples turn around to look at me, the lonely girl on the beach. They frown. I turn beet red and sit back down. My phone goes off. It’s a text. I get all excited. But…it’s from Meijer. It’s a coupon for 60% off my next bottle of Crest 3D Whitening toothpaste. Yay. I look up seeing that the couples have resumed whatever they were doing before and I sigh. I hear foot steps behind me. It’s a super cute guy. He’s walking towards me, he smiles. I smile shyly and twirl my hair around my finger. Then I hear a girl squeal as she runs to the guy and throws her arms around him. Then…I grab my car keys and leave. Alone. By myself. Alone. Lonely. Single. And most of all? Confused.
Okay, so that didn’t really happen. I mean, it has. All at different times. Oh, and I never yelled at them. I’m not this bold in person. With strangers. But I am confused. I mean, why do I want what I know I shouldn’t have? It’s stupid. Why do I want a relationship when it’s probably going to end with me sobbing my eyes out for two weeks? I think I’m mature enough to handle it. I’m probably not. I think I could probably make a guy pretty happy. That’s not the point. I have great self control. It doesn’t matter. I know inside….I think inside…maybe inside…I’m not ready. I’ve got a lot of things to work on. For one thing, I am the jealous type. All the way. It’s awful. If I had a boyfriend, and he looked at another girl, my eyes would turn from sparkly oceany blue, to Shrek green. I would probably have to fight off the urge to claw her face off. Also, I’m maybe kind of a little bit attention oriented. Ouch. That hurt to admit. I like getting compliments. However, I need to be able to make a relationship work WITHOUT them! What if I end up with a quiet guy (which I probably will because I don’t like loud obnoxious guys)? What if he rarely EVER builds me up? I need to be able to be confident in the fact he loves me without fishing for sweet nothings. I mean, they’re called sweet nothings for a reason, right? Basically, I have a lot I need to work on before I’m ready for a relationship. Still, I want one. NOW. And the obvious good little Christian homeschool girl answer for me should be, “So I decided to get so lost in God that I don’t even want a boyfriend anymore!” But I already am lost in God. It’s not working. So then I tried music. I mean, I’ve been trying music for most my life but I mean I tried to let that fill the guy hole in my wee little heart. Yeah, that didn’t work either. So I’m sitting here writing this thinking, “Dude, snap out of it. What’s wrong with you?” I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING!
God
Coffee
Music
Coffee
Blogging
Coffee
Working out
Coffee
Chocolate
Coffee
Cooking
Coffee
Making more girl friends to hang out with
Coffee
Making imaginary friends to hang out with when the above fell through
Coffee
Flat out trying not to think about guys at all
Coffee
Laying out in the sun for hours while my skin burned, only thinking about how much physical pain I was in, instead of what kind of emotional pain I was in
And coffee…
Yeah, I’ve tried a lot of things, okay? Why am I so desperate? I feel like freaking Taylor Swift here! I officially hate watching movies because I’m sick of seeing so many happy people!
So I’m waiting. I’m waiting. I’m sticking it out. I’m not giving up. No matter what, because this will be worth it and the right guy will come along. Hopefully not on a white horse because…I’m terrified of horses. And when he does come along, I’ll be ready. Or maybe by then I’ll be dragging my feet, who knows.
Sometimes I hate being a teenage girl.
It's nice to know you're normal, Holly :) Gorgeous, witty, hilarious, talented, but normal when it comes to this whole guy-thing. Remember, I have daughters, and was a younger lady once, too. Totally can relate to this post. And, if Mr. D and I were the 'old folks splashing each other' then I'll get you, my pretty....;) cliche alert: Your prince is out there, sans the horse.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard sometimes. So, so hard. But the beautiful thing is that God created us with these feelings and desires so that when our Love story begins to unfold, it truly is beautiful. When you trust that He knows best, no matter what, it makes it a little less harsh on the heart. And if you ever want to go yell at the couples on the beach.. lemme know ;)
ReplyDeleteOther Mother: You and Mr. D aren't old! What are you talking about? :)
ReplyDeleteHannah: You're right. I'm free Saturday ;)