A Car Crash, Sleep Meds, and a Divine Revelation ...

I’m afraid I’ve fallen in love.

With whom? No my dear, it’s “with what?” And the answer is “natural sleep enhancers”. It’s been a long week. After going to the chiropractor’s a while back, and coming home in immense pain and basically losing my mind, my chiropractor said that I needed to get my neck x-rayed before he’d mess with me anymore. I told him at the beginning of the appointment that I had been in a snowmobile accident and my neck had hurt for three weeks after, yet it never occurred to me that it might have been a little more than hurt. So anyhow, I went in for x-rays. Twice. They told me that there’s something growing on my neck. It could be extra bone growth from a previous fracture (such as when I crashed), A cyst (which would make sense because I get cysts on my wrists all the time.), or…..a tumor. Obviously when you’re a dramatic seventeen year old girl, your mind goes to the worst option, settles in it, and you start mentally writing your will. So after I left the office I told my mother “Hey mom, guess what? I might have cancer!” (I’m paraphrasing) so then after the x-ray results were sent to my chiropractor, he’s like; “You need an MRI with contrast so we can rule out the possibility of it being a tumor.”

Let me just say this: I AM FREAKING TERRIFIED OF NEEDLES. When my mother told me I had to get an MRI, I felt as if I could throw up. When I told my best guy friend, Jon, about it, he actually did throw up. I guess that’s what it means to be worried sick.

So that’s when my week started getting stressful. My MRI is on Halloween. Cool right? Yeah, I get to have a needle shoved in my arm, and get locked in a tube for an hour, ON Halloween. Thankfully I have medication to sedate me significantly.

I still cannot even begin to explain how awful those first two days of worrying were. Oh and this is where the sleep enhancers come into play. Yeah, I found out that they calm me down. Hallelujah. I’ve been slathering on the sleep balm religiously.

Anyhow, on my third day of worrying, I volunteered at a Young Life banquet at the fairgrounds with my friends from Bible Study. We were the cleanup crew and after cleaning up we all got in our respective cars and started leaving. One of my friends was driving his mom’s awesome car and he did this sick burnout in front of me. I saw this as a challenge. I also thought it’d be fun to blow off some steam seeing as my stress levels were at an all time high. So I spun out and followed him. After peeling out onto the main road I thought I’d pass him because the road was deserted. He was going way too fast though and I knew I’d have to go way over the speed limit to catch him, something I wasn’t willing to do. So I started slowing down and driving normal when I lost control. It felt like someone grabbed my steering wheel and turned it sharp to the left and then the right over and over again. A car drove by and I begged God to not let me hit them. Then suddenly I was flying towards the ditch. I remember bracing my arms on the steering wheel to hold myself as far away from the air bag as possible. I knew this ditch (which was in front of the fairgrounds still, I didn’t make it very far) was relatively deep and when I hit it, I would either die or I would break my neck the rest of the way and total the car.  Cool huh? The last thing I thought before I jumped the curb and landed in the ditch was, “My life hasn’t flashed before my eyes yet….I thought that was supposed to happen when you’re getting ready to die?!”

 Then it was over. I felt my car jump the curb and land in the ditch, I braced myself, strangely enough I didn’t scream, and it was over. I shut the car off and jumped out. At first I thought all my friends had left but then my friends Hannah, Nathan, and Matt were behind this eight foot fence on the other side of the ditch. They yelled at me to sit down and not move, then Matt jumped over the fence (I’m telling you, it was a super tall fence) like a ninja (which was really awesome considering that he’s scared of heights) and Nathan and Hannah ran around the fence. Matt demanded that I sit down and so I sat in the ditch and flopped on my back. Then I realized….my parents. They’re going to kill me. I think I murmured that several times before Hannah and Bizzy were there and they started trying to talk me down. I was hysterical, shaking, and then suddenly the whole cleanup crew was there. All I really remember was running around my car freaking out, the rain starting up, telling Matt to pinch me just to make sure it was real, trying to call my mom, Jon showing up out of nowhere looking like he was going to throw up again (Yeah, I put the kid through a lot this week…), and then….the cop showed up. Now, I have a great respect for police officers. My neighbor is one and I’m just like, don’t move away! Ever! I feel safe now! But at the same time, a cop is the last thing you want to see after you just wrecked your mom’s car.  Actually…your mom is the last thing you want to see after you wreck her car. You know what I mean though.

By the time the cop got there, the guys (Matt, Nathan, Corey, Mark, Jon, and whoever else I might be forgetting…I was really out of it) had got my car back on the road and changed one of the tires. One or two were coming off the rims and the front driver’s side tire was flat as a pancake. So the cop pulls over and he asks what the heck we’re doing. Someone explained, he yells some more, and then he says he’ll be back in a minute. While he’s gone, I break free of my girlfriends and rip the “Nobama Nomore” magnet off my back bumper just in case the cop is an Obama supporter (anything to calm him down). Then the man comes walking over. I can see the steam pouring out of his ears and the fire coming out of his nostrils. I felt like I was going to pass out and I mumbled something about getting arrested to which Corey replied, “Holly, your tire blew. It wasn’t your fault. You weren’t driving recklessly when it happened.” It was as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had a chance. Maybe he wouldn’t arrest me.

So the officer, seeing that I was in no shape to explain what was going on, because I didn’t know, started questioning my friends. He basically asked Hannah if I was drunk (understandable had you seen me at the time) and then he asked for my license (After he chewed us out about changing tires on the road and the fact that my friends had all parked in the road behind me). So I gave him my license and he asked me for my insurance and registration. I told him that I would look for it but it’d probably take me a few minutes because I’d never been pulled over before so I wasn’t sure what it looked like. He said it wasn’t funny and I should darn well know where it is. Then Corey shouts, “I’ve been pulled over hundreds of times! I’ll find it!” to which the cop again replies, “That isn’t funny.”

Long story short, after pulling my car into a parking lot nearby, the cop gave me my stuff back and said he was going to let me go. My car was okay besides the tires so no accident report was needed and he wasn’t going to give me a ticket because technically the accident was not my fault. I all but fell to the ground and kissed his feet. The worst was over.

Oh wait. No it wasn’t. I still had to face my parents.

When I told them, my mother didn’t know what else to do so she burst in to hysterical laughter (much like she does when she’s in immense pain) and my father stared off into space not saying anything, yet at times, trying not to look somewhat amused.

I actually did learn a lesson from all this. A few actually.

One- I’m going to drive like a grandma for the rest of my life.

Two- I have the best friends EVER. They stayed with me the whole time, taking care of me and the car, and dealing with the officer, IN THE RAIN.  They’re flat out amazing people and I don’t know what I would do without them. <3

Three- God does have a plan for my life. I know, I’ve heard it a thousand times. You’ve heard it a thousand times. God has a plan. God has a plan. God has a plan. I heard it, rejoiced in it, and never understood it fully until God visibly saved my life that night. When I crashed, I literally felt as if I was being held. Protected. And Hannah pointed out to me later that I was a mere two feet away from hitting some sort of electrical box that would’ve killed me when I jumped out of my car, if not, before. And just the way that the car landed in the ditch perfectly so that it wasn’t dented anywhere. That was a God thing. The way I didn’t hit the car coming toward me? Yeah, that was a God thing too. It was as if God let me go through something terrifying to wake me up and say, in a Haymitch sort of way for all my Hunger Games groupies, “Hey sweetheart, wake up. Stop wasting your time. Do something. Move.” Up until Thursday, my world basically revolved around me. I lived for myself. Now I don’t feel that way. What am I going to do with my life now? Well it’s not my life. Its God’s life, He gave it to me. Now I’m going to give it back. Those who find their lives, lose them. Those who lose their lives, find them. Let’s just say that I think I lost my life Thursday night at around 10:15.

Oh, and you know what else? I’m not worried about the MRI anymore. I feel like, after Thursday, this will be a piece of cake. God was obviously with me when I crashed and he’s obviously going to be with me when I’m locked in a tube. With a needle in my arm. On Halloween.

First World Problem #35,861

First world problem #35,861: Cliques. No, I’m not saying I think cliques are a bad thing. I love cliques, really, I do. After all, what could possibly be wrong with forming a group of super cool elite people and standing in a super tight circle and not letting anyone else in? Oh wait. That’s not a clique, that’s a country club.

Really though. I’m honestly so sick of people complaining about cliques. I mean yeah, sometimes it’s annoying when you have to know the secret password of awesomeness just to be able to sit at their feet and worship them while they make fun of you, but I haven’t known a lot of cliques like that. For the most part, a clique is not a super secret group that is trying to block everyone else out. Usually it’s a group of people that really enjoy each other and maybe are too shy to reach out to anyone besides the others in their clique or as I like to call it, “Group”. I guess if you’re super shy, then yeah…groups can be intimidating. Really, I’m not trying to be a jerk or anything (okay, so maybe I am) but just GET OVER YOURSELF and go join in! What are they gonna do? Tell you to go away? Yeah right. People aren’t that horrible. Most the time. I have to admit, I’ve been in many a clique and I’m pretty sure only one of them was super elite (but I was like…a seven year old so…). All the other “cliques” I’m in that aren’t really cliques, are just a group of people that I happen to be having a conversation with at the time. I mean, come on guys, this is such a middle school problem. If you can’t handle it, how are you going to grow up?

Pretend you’re thirty. You’re a super successful business man or woman. You walk into the lunch room and you see that all your co-workers/employees are talking…in groups. What are you gonna do? Run out of the room crying that no one likes you because they didn’t all run up to you at the same time begging to start a conversation? Or be the mature adult you should be and pick a group and join in? It’s not like they’re going to eat you. If they ignore you, try the next group. Get used to rejection. It’s not always a bad thing.

I remember joining a drama group when I was about 13. I was one of about 20 new girls and guys, among about 40 seasoned actors. I was terrified. It took me forever to get over the fact that people weren’t going to drag me into their circles and force me to talk to them. And the few times that someone did (*Cough* Autie and Ella), I usually played it tough and pretended I was too good for them. Yeah, I was ridiculous. If I could redo my early teen years…well…I can’t, so never mind. Anyways it took me a while to learn that you just have to wiggle your way into the circle and OH MY GOSH participate in the conversation. Terrifying I know, but if you don’t then you’re going to regret it. Probably. Maybe.

Just…just don’t be the kid in the corner looking all sullen and pouty. Okay? It’s not the cliques’ fault that you’re too chicken to go say hi.

I'm single and I know it.....

So a few days ago I wrote a blog about how I’m not dating until I’m eighteen and yadda yadda. Inspiring right? But you know it’s easy to say “Oh I’m doing this you should do it too and be perfect like me” and crap, but it’s way harder to actually practice what I’m yelling at you guys.

Picture me in my car driving to the beach all happy and single and free with the wind blowing my frizzy blonde hair in my face, I’m singing along to One Direction’s “One Thing”. I pull into the parking lot and step out of my car, pick a perfect place on the beach and I sit down. By myself. Then I hear laughing and I look up, there’s a couple walking hand in hand with their feet barely touching the ground as they’re walking along. He says something sweet, she blushes, and they walk past. Out in the water there’s an old couple splashing each other with water like silly twelve year olds. Over to my right there are some kids that are way too young to be dating that are flirting and being stupid. I shake my head and lay back in the hot sand. Then I have an idea! Why not block out the sounds of all the happy couples around me? So I turn on Pandora. Alas, they play songs like “I’m yours” by Jason Mraz, “Roman Candle” by Fun, and a bunch of other cute sweet romantic songs. Inside myself, I just…I just…I curl up and die. I get up (all the seagulls around me flap their wings nervously) and I let out an agonizing scream, “WILL YOU GUYS JUST STOP IT ALREADY?!?!”All the happy couples turn around to look at me, the lonely girl on the beach. They frown. I turn beet red and sit back down. My phone goes off. It’s a text. I get all excited. But…it’s from Meijer. It’s a coupon for 60% off my next bottle of Crest 3D Whitening toothpaste. Yay.  I look up seeing that the couples have resumed whatever they were doing before and I sigh. I hear foot steps behind me. It’s a super cute guy. He’s walking towards me, he smiles. I smile shyly and twirl my hair around my finger. Then I hear a girl squeal as she runs to the guy and throws her arms around him. Then…I grab my car keys and leave. Alone. By myself. Alone. Lonely. Single. And most of all? Confused.

Okay, so that didn’t really happen. I mean, it has. All at different times. Oh, and I never yelled at them. I’m not this bold in person. With strangers. But I am confused. I mean, why do I want what I know I shouldn’t have? It’s stupid. Why do I want a relationship when it’s probably going to end with me sobbing my eyes out for two weeks? I think I’m mature enough to handle it. I’m probably not. I think I could probably make a guy pretty happy. That’s not the point. I have great self control. It doesn’t matter. I know inside….I think inside…maybe inside…I’m not ready. I’ve got a lot of things to work on. For one thing, I am the jealous type. All the way. It’s awful. If I had a boyfriend, and he looked at another girl, my eyes would turn from sparkly oceany blue, to Shrek green. I would probably have to fight off the urge to claw her face off. Also, I’m maybe kind of a little bit attention oriented. Ouch. That hurt to admit. I like getting compliments. However, I need to be able to make a relationship work WITHOUT them! What if I end up with a quiet guy (which I probably will because I don’t like loud obnoxious guys)? What if he rarely EVER builds me up? I need to be able to be confident in the fact he loves me without fishing for sweet nothings. I mean, they’re called sweet nothings for a reason, right? Basically, I have a lot I need to work on before I’m ready for a relationship. Still, I want one. NOW. And the obvious good little Christian homeschool girl answer for me should be, “So I decided to get so lost in God that I don’t even want a boyfriend anymore!” But I already am lost in God. It’s not working. So then I tried music. I mean, I’ve been trying music for most my life but I mean I tried to let that fill the guy hole in my wee little heart. Yeah, that didn’t work either. So I’m sitting here writing this thinking, “Dude, snap out of it. What’s wrong with you?” I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING!

God

Coffee

Music

Coffee

Blogging

Coffee

Working out

Coffee

Chocolate

Coffee

Cooking

Coffee

Making more girl friends to hang out with

Coffee

Making imaginary friends to hang out with when the above fell through

Coffee

Flat out trying not to think about guys at all

Coffee

Laying out in the sun for hours while my skin burned, only thinking about how much physical pain I was in, instead of what kind of emotional pain I was in

And coffee…

Yeah, I’ve tried a lot of things, okay? Why am I so desperate? I feel like freaking Taylor Swift here! I officially hate watching movies because I’m sick of seeing so many happy people!

So I’m waiting. I’m waiting. I’m sticking it out. I’m not giving up. No matter what, because this will be worth it and the right guy will come along. Hopefully not on a white horse because…I’m terrified of horses. And when he does come along, I’ll be ready. Or maybe by then I’ll be dragging my feet, who knows.

Sometimes I hate being a teenage girl.

The one about dating....

Does anyone else’s Facebook newsfeed look like this?

 Jane Doe is in a relationship. 42 minutes ago.
Comment                12  Like

Jane Doe is single. 3 minutes ago.

324 Comment                5 Like

Jane Doe: Guys are soooooo stewpid. Omg, I can’t beliveeee I wastid my time with himmm. Smh. Text meeeeee. #YOLO

            

And “Jane Doe” is like, fourteen? Three things go through my mind when I see something like that.

One—For the love of spell check…..USE IT.

Two--Why the HECK is a fourteen year old dating anyways? I mean, what do they do, beg their mommies to drive them to see High School Musical 5? What’s the point? I don’t know anyone who’s met THE ONE and dated since they were practically children. If that’s happened before, then GREAT! Good for you. Really though, 99.5% of the time you’re just going to end up crying your eyes out for three days, posting statuses like, “I don’t even care…”, “Why can’t you love me for who I am?” and, “Someday I’ll find a boy who treats me like I deserve.” FOR CRYING OUT LOUD HE IS A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD BOY!  WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!?!

Girls: Most (not all) guys’ maturity levels are two years behind the girls their age. If you’re stupid enough to date when you’re both 14 give or take a few years, he’s NOT going to be thinking about what you guys are going to name your first child like you are. I’m sorry.

Guys: Fourteen year old girls think they know everything. They are loud and obnoxious and annoying. I would know. I was one. They just want to be told they’re beautiful and a bunch of other cliché things, but when you tell them…they won’t believe you. Don’t waste your breath. If they say, “I’m ugly.” Change the subject.

Guys and Girls: Be kids while you can. That’s what I’m doing. I’m seventeen and I’m so happy to say that I haven’t wasted my time being in a relationship, and guess what? I’m not going to be until after I’m eighteen because I honestly believe that it would be a waste of time! Why? Because I have a few amazing friends and an amazing family, and I don’t want to miss hanging out with them! I don’t want a whiny boyfriend begging me to be with him every second of everyday! There will be plenty of time for that later. If you want to avoid heartbreak and long sleepless nights, I suggest waiting. Just be friends, you can find out what you want in a guy just by being friends with guys or vice versa. Make a list of qualities (Not physical qualities.) that you want in a guy/girl. That’s what I did, in fact…here, take a peek:

What I want need in a guy…

I need him to love God and have strong faith

He must have good strong morals

I need to love his parents and I need him to love mine

I need him to be kind of laidback…you know, to balance out my psycho-ness

I need him to be adventurous and active

There, see? Not too hard. This makes it easy when you think you might be interested in someone. If they don’t have the important qualities on the list…ditch them. The person I mean…not the qualities.

And I mean, obviously you’re going to be attracted to people at a young age, but if you really care about a guy/girl, just pray for them. Just sit back and wait, be friends. Wait until you’re old enough and mature enough to make it actually work.

Three—Blaming the whole entire male/female population for one silly boy’s/girl’s mistake, is ludicrous. This is what it looks like, “One boy/girl broke my heart so now all guys/girls are jerks but yet in three days I’m gonna get over it and hook up with someone else.”

Girl/Dude…the only person you should be lovin’ on is Jesus, because He’s the ONLY ONE who will NEVER let you down. Just let Him hold your heart until the right one comes along. How will you know when he/she comes along? Ask God. It’s not like He’s going to hold you back. Unless you aren’t ready. And for the record…if you’re fourteen…you aren’t ready.

Love,

Your Forever Opinionated Coffee Addict

Fifty Shades of Ew...

You know how I occasionally put warnings before my more opinionated and offensive blog posts? Well here’s your warning. I will not apologize for writing this. This is simply my opinion on a series of books. I’m not trying to start some online debate, I’m not telling YOU what to do, I’m telling you what I’VE decided to do and why I decided to do it.

Okay let’s get down to it, what is Fifty Shades of Grey and how the heck do I know about it? Well, it’s on the news like…every day, everyone’s buzzing about it, bookstores can’t keep enough copies stocked to satisfy the craving, I mean what’s up with this? I hadn’t heard of this book until one of my coworkers started telling me about it. So I did a little research about this series, Fifty Shades of Grey (It cracks me up how the second book is called Fifty Shades Darker. As if it could get any darker.) Basically what it is, in case you’re lucky enough to not know, is this book about a girl who falls for a guy and its dark and pornographic and blah blah blah X rated stuff. Luckily my mind hasn’t been scarred by details, but people I know who’ve read it said that it literally made them blush. BREAKING DAWN MADE ME BLUSH. Which is why I never finished it. But go back for a second, people I know read this? Yeah, people I care about and considered great people (most of them are active Christians too) are reading this book. What the heck?

Ladies, lets pause here. If you’ve ever caught your guy looking at porn on the internet or wherever, you’d be mad as a hornet. Correct? So why are you READING porn? It’s the same thing! Whether you’re reading it or staring at pictures of it, it’s doing the same thing to your mind. And what if reading about this “hot, mysterious, dark guy” in the book makes you unsatisfied with your man? Don’t you realize that you could be destroying your own relationship? What about respecting his feelings? Yeah he might not voice it, but if he read the book too he might not feel like he measures up to your little fantasy prince.

Single ladies that are reading this, NO GUY YOU DATE IS GOING TO BE A PERFECT STORY BOOK PRINCE CHARMING! Reading the book is setting your expectations on a level that’s totally unrealistic and well…crude.

Why am I not reading this? I’ll give you 7 reasons.

1.      Um, it’s probably illegal because I’m under 18.

2.      I’m a virgin okay? I’m saving myself for my husband. I’m not going to have sex before I get married, so why would I want to read about it? Just sayin’.

3.      Jesus specifically talks about adultery in the Bible. He says that even looking at someone lustfully (yeah that includes reading) is committing adultery in your heart. Even if I’m not married yet, someday I will be (maybe) and I don’t want to have committed mental adultery with some other dude. Even if he is just a fictional character.

4.      I don’t want my man to hang up porn in his garage so why would I hang up porn in my mind?

5.      Last time I checked, sex was supposed to be between a married man and woman. Not plastered on the pages of a hideously disgusting novel.

6.      If my mother found that book on my night stand….she would kill me. Literally kill me.

7.      I have a relatively pure, innocent, clean mind and uh, I’d kind of really like it to stay that way.

There are your reasons. Not your reasons, my reasons.

The Nicki Minaj Catastrophe

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Whoops, sorry about that. My dog attacked my keyboard. Anyways…for those of you that are used to me posting all the intimate details of my life via blog, I decided to be a me monster here for a sec and update you on my life. Or…what’s all happened since I left the blogging scene for the last two months.

I quit my job at Big Apple Bagels. I don’t want to bad mouth anyone so I’ll just be vague and say that me and my boss had a disagreement while my dad was in the hospital and I quit. End of story. I did get the job I had last year back. It’s a flower shop called North Star and I love it. I love flowers, I love the people, I love my co workers, and get this: I have the BEST boss ever. Seriously. I don’t care who your boss is, mine is way cooler than yours mkay?

A few sentences back I mentioned that my Daddo whom I adore, was in the hospital. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced (way worse than passing a cop as you realize you’re accidentally going ten miles over the speed limit). See, he was at work and he had this episode thing where he started slurring his words and was light headed I guess, plus a bunch of other crap I can’t remember because I hate thinking of it. Anyways, they thought he had a TIA so he went to the hospital and resided there for a few. He’s fine now, it turns out that it was just his Sodium/Potassium levels flipping out. Funny though, how you don’t realize how much you love someone until you almost lose them. Even if you think you know…you don’t.

Also, I’ve become an Instagraming fool. Follow me @hollyaugust. I mostly take pictures of flowers we have at work and crap I’ve planted. And beach scenes. You know. Anything I could possibly take a picture of. My ultimate goal is to not post selfies. It’s been pretty easy considering the fact that I’ve pretty much kissed makeup goodbye and never bother to look in the mirror anymore. Sometimes I think I Instagram too much though. I’ve begun to stalk through people’s hair pictures. This one girl had rainbow hair and I actually found myself wanting to do that. Yeah. It looks cool. Until you realize that people are only going to see your hair and be so focused on that that they won’t be able to so much as have a conversation with you because they’ll just be like…you know…checking out your hair. Kind of like Nicki Minaj and her lime green catastrophe…I saw it in People magazine (which I don’t normally read by the way). Plus, I’m pretty sure my boss would fire me if I showed up with rainbow hair.

Oh, and I kind of found the love of my life (just being dumb and girly here). He doesn’t know that I exist though. Don’t you love it when that happens? Anyways I guess I might as well tell you who it is since he’ll never read this. Jordan Taylor. Yeah, you know the guy from Blimey Cow? It was his cute laugh that sealed the deal. He’s adorable and if you haven’t watched his videos, do it. Now. But remember, you can’t have him. He’s mine. Because you can totally lay legitimate claim to people you don’t know via blog post.

Yeah, anyways…that’s pretty much all that’s been happening in my life. Enjoy. See ya later gater.

Band Guys...

(Note: I'm not saying that all guys in bands dress like this. Infact I know a lot who don't. This is simply me venting on my blog. If you can't take it, then please feel free to stop reading.)

Today I feel I must address a most important and disturbing issue in our society.

 This issue is: Guys in bands and how the way they dress screams, “I JUST STOLE MY SISTER’S PANTS!!!!!” even though they probably didn’t (99% of the time anyways).

Awhile back I was wandering around at a Christian music festival, called Big Ticket, in Lower Michigan.  Something I couldn’t help but notice while I was there is the way that the “band guys” dress. It’s pretty hilarious. I would say that about 89% of the band guys were wearing skinny jeans and about %55 percent of the skinnies were three times too small.  I don’t understand why guys do that to themselves. It’s as if they have this attitude of, “Well I’m in a band now so I have to be super obvious about it by wearing my little sister’s skinny jeans and a rad pair of sunglasses that I never take off.” And if they weren’t rockin’ the super skinnies, they were rockin’ the super skinny CUT OFFS.

WHAAAAT?!

True story. And if you’re fortunate enough to not know what skinny cut offs are, then by all means, please let me scar you for life by describing them:

Skinny Cut Offs: Way too tight pants that are cut off just above the knee, thus screaming that the man wearing them is having a bad case of gender confusion. This fashion crisis is generally paired with a wife beater or a really low V neck t-shirt. Both of them just add to the overall awfulness.

I saw one of the guys had his skinny cut offs, rolled up to short shorts. I suddenly felt the urge to make fun of him on my blog. He was probably a hipster.

I mean honestly, if any of the guys in my band showed up wearing that….I would fire him. I don’t care how freakishly talented he is, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR SCARRING PEOPLE FOR LIFE!

I really would rather you be covered in tattoos, pierced up beyond recognition, wear guyliner and have hair longer than mine, than wear skinny cut offs.

So, for those of you teeny bopper fan girls chasing after any guy who can play so much as Smoke On the Water on his First Act guitar, fear not. Fortunately for you, not all guys in bands are trying to fit into size -0 pants. There is hope. That hope lies in you and me. Maybe if we complain enough and make a huge deal out of it, we can force them to convert to shopping in the men’s department again.