call it what you want...

I broke the news to my mother today.

It was hard. I was so afraid that I would let her down. Decisions….

“Mom….I have to tell you something” I said in my best ‘’this-is-serious-crap-here-voice’’.

Mom looked at me and smiled. I sighed long and hard. It was time to break the news. The news that I was pretty sure she wouldn’t want to hear. Her worst nightmare may be fulfilled in these words.

I just let it out though. I told her as quickly as possible: “I decided that I’m going to stay single forever and live here all my life. I’m never moving out. I’m sick of guys. I want nothing to do with them.”

Then my mom burst out laughing and gave me a mom hug and told me she’d love it if I lived with them until death do us all part. I took that as reverse psychology, meaning that she’s going to try to smother me so I move out as soon as financially possible. That’s when I told her that maybe I’d get an apartment in town…but I was still going to be single forever.

See…I got this book for Christmas.

Big deal.

Well the thing is… I started reading it last night. It’s about learning to be a guy’s “help meet” and finding the right man. Seems harmless enough right?

Well look here kid; there are three different types of men (with a few variations of each type).

There are Visionary guys, these guys are typically the ones that my mother and any other mother, would call their daughter insane for even considering. They’re usually artsy and romantic and somewhat insane (but what artist isn’t?). They’re intense and focused and tend to throw money around like the rich guys they probably aren’t.

Then there are the Mr. Steady guys, who are loyal and sweet BUT they like neat and tidy women who are driven and blah blah blah. My daddo is a Mr. Steady and he’s about as easy going and content as one could ever be. But you know what? As sweet as all that is….I’m sorry, I want someone who is slightly unpredictable (in good ways) and sharp and witty.

Last and certainly least, is the Command Man. These are the demanding guys who basically want you to wait on them hand and foot. Need I say more? Those kinds of guys freak me out. I know some, they make good enough friends but I’d jump off the Eifel Tower before I’d marry one of those fellas.

So there we go…three different kinds of guys to choose from (I mean, you can get a Mister Steady with some Visionary etc etc etc or something). Which do I want?

Gee let me think (taps chin thoughtfully)…..

And that’s when I decided to be single forever.

Because, I started thinking, “What do I have to bring to any relationship other than friendship? I mean like a marriage relationship?” (NOTE: I wasn’t/still not planning on getting married anytime soon, but I just thought, “It’s probably a good time to figure all this out now”)

The answer is…simply…nothing. Except for that I make killer cheesecake and I’ll listen to your problems until the cows come home. Oh, and sarcasm…I’ve got plenty of that, but I’ve met very few guys that appreciate it. And even fewer that understood it.

So: 1. Killer Cheesecake 2. You can tell me anything

I didn’t put the sarcasm thing down because I’m looking for “positive traits”.

Let’s seeee….

I’m not the best cook.

I sure as heck am not the tidiest girl.

Oh and another thing, the book said that guys like girls who are “weaker vessels” they like delicate-ish girls. Well, I’m not delicate. I’m a “weaker vessel” than most guys I know, but I’m not a wimp. I’m perfectly capable of doing anything I set my mind to. I don’t need a guy. That’s supposed to be a bad thing apparently.

I don’t know, basically I’ve just got this jumble of thoughts racing through my mind…the best solution I can think of is this:

Me getting a cozy apartment with a cute dog, getting a job at some coffee shop (or pursuing my music. Or both) and living alone for the rest of my life. I might even ride a motorcycle and get a few tattoos. Who knows? The only downside is, there won’t be any cute guy to make me coffee in the morning and take out the trash. Sigh, oh well.

So that’s what I’ve decided.

You know, the funny thing about all this is…I can’t even stand love songs right now. Usually I’m a sappy bucket of poetry and happy songs about prince charming….but I’m not anymore. And that’s what I love about one of my new favorite bands, Foster The People, not all of their songs are sappy songs. In fact I think there’s only two. My two favorite songs of theirs right now are Pumped Up Kicks and Call It What You Want. Another thing I love about them is, none of the guys in the band are all that cute. Which is great, because the last thing I need is another celebrity crush (although I haven’t had one in years thank God).

That was probably the most random pointless thing I’ve ever written. However it felt quite wonderful to vent. Anyways, I’m going to keep reading this book and hope that I’m granted some revelation that will change my disdainful view on guys.

Another thing, sometimes I wish that I was a cartoon so I could marry Charlie Brown and live happily ever after….but he’s probably already taken. All the good ones are :)