dancing in the twilight zone....

Yesterday….was INSANE…..I won’t say it was terrible because it ended quite wonderfully, but I felt like I was dancing around in the twilight zone the whole day.

It started out with me waking up before the sun (too early for this girl), drinking a smoothie as fast as I could, only getting about a tablespoon of coffee down before I was running out the door to start my new job. New job: wreath making. And let me just say, that aside from music, I am NOT an artsy person. I can’t even draw a legitimate smiley face. Hence, I was very nervous about this making of wreaths…because that’s like…art. So anyways, on my way to work I saw the freakiest sunrise ever. I say freaky because it was so red and foggy and not-sun-like that I kind of thought that The Mother Ship came back for me last night and dropped me on mars or something. That’s how weird the sunrise was. Or maybe it was just me having strange hallucinations because of a dreadful lack of coffee in my bloodstream. When I got to work with my mom (we’re both professional wreath makers now) the building we were working in smelled overwhelmingly of fresh pine boughs and sap. I’m not sure why, but the smell of pine makes me think of my grandpa. Weird.

Anyhow, soon our boss got there and ran us through the wreath making process. It’s actually kinda relaxing (except for the extremely annoying Christmas music in the background)…for a while at least. Basically how we do it is: There are huge piles of fresh pine boughs on this big table. Each of the wreath makers has their own table that you set a metal wreath maker on. Then you arrange a handful of some prickly pine I can’t remember the name of and white pine and you put it in a section of the metal wreath maker thingy, then you step on this pedal underneath your table and these metal things that you set the pine boughs in, wrap around the pine and then you flatten it with a hammer. It’s confusing to explain I guess you just have to see it. So, I did this wreath making for about 4 ½ hours before I had to leave for my dentist appointment.

Oh joy.

If there’s anything I dread more than anything, it’s probably stepping into any medical office. Especially when I know what I’m going there for. Yesterday…I was going for fillings. And let me tell you, I was flipping out, because this wasn’t my “first rodeo”. I mean, it’s not that I’m afraid of the drilling part (or I wasn’t until yesterday), however I am TERRIFIED of needles (AKA the shots they give you before). And let me tell you…my dentist is the most bubbly, joyful, excited person I have ever met. It’s almost scary, but its way better than my other dentist (he was a tooth vampire...which is why I left….that and he hated my guts…). So my overly happy dentist asked me about my last “drilling experience” and I told her about the tooth vampire and how much he hated me and blah blah blah…she gasped melodramatically and said she just “can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t like you Holly, you’re just so sweet yes you are, yes you areeeeeeee!!!!!”.

That was probably the most awkward part of my day right there.

So anyways, she started prepping me with that weird numbing gel stuff that I always somehow manage to swallow and then she pulled out the needle. Now in my old dentist’s office, the needle for the anesthetic was tiny and almost cute. In THIS office, holy cow, that needle was HUGE! So she stabbed me with it between 2-4 times and then left me to “numby up!!” So I sat there in the chair and stared at the ceiling…there were a few “inspirational” posters hanging up there above the chairs. One of them I remember vaguely, was a teacup sized Yorkie puppy with a hat on…I sighed in disgust. Why on earth would you put a HAT on a DOG? Idiots.

I was snapped out of my intent focus on the posters by my dentist’s excited voice ringing through the halls asking me if I was ready. I told her I was as ready I was ever going to get. So she grabbed her drill and told me if I felt any pain, to hold my left hand up. I nodded sleepily (I think those shots do more than just numb your mouth) and the lady set to work. Unfortunately, when I get nervous about something (getting up in front of a large audience, getting some medical procedure done such as a tooth drilled, etc) I start shaking. I don’t get it, it’s so dumb. I know its adrenaline only because, once when I was backstage at this rehearsal, I banged my head on my costume rack and had a concussion and was rushed to the hospital (I was shaking) and their like “It’s just adrenaline”. So anyhow I was shaking, and I’m pretty sure they thought I was a complete weirdo, which is fine because I am.

So yeah…soon I felt a little pain but I told the lady I didn’t want any more shots, and she drilled on. Then after a few minutes it HURT, BAD. And my left hand shot up against my own will and better judgment. So my dentist got out another tool I didn’t even look at and stuck it in my mouth, “Now you might feel a little pinch, and something like fire shooting up into your eye, your eyes might water…that’s perfectly normal sweetie!” And all the sudden, I felt some of the most intense pain I’ve ever had in my LIFE. Mom said she heard me in the waiting room, which doesn’t necessarily mean a whole lot considering that the office is infinitesimal. So she shot me with that cruel device a couple times and set about drilling again. By this time I felt like a robot, a dead robot. The assistant kept reminding me to breathe; I guess I was too distracted to remember that my lungs needed oxygen. Whoops.

Finally after an excruciating hour of this, I was done. They moved the chair up and asked if I was dizzy to which I nodded my head slightly and wondered if that was normal. Then the dentist told her assistant person to get me a drink, as if I could actually manage to hold water in my mouth. I laughed more harshly then I meant to, mumbled something about “I don’t think I can” and thanked the lady, before following the dentist out to the waiting room. Now one thing I don’t get (I mean I GET IT but I don’t) is that they bill ME for getting tortured. Lame. However, the ladies at the desk were nice and they and my mom kept making me laugh/smile which was weird because when I smiled only part of my mouth would go up. The other part was so numb I couldn’t move it at all…actually to be exact; I couldn’t feel a lot of the right side of my face, including my nose and most the way up to my eye. Then I remembered that I had to lead worship at youth group in like…two hours. I said this to my mother and she asked the lady at the desk if I would be back to normal by then, she said I would be, but I knew that wasn’t true because I’ve been numb for 7 or 8 hours before, after appointments. So we headed home, myself exhausted and in immense pain.

When I got home I curled up on the couch with my puppy and tried to ignore the fact that my mouth was throbbing and I still couldn’t move my face. When my brother got home he was making fun of me because I couldn’t smile like a normal person but I couldn’t stop trying to smile (even when I’m down I still smile a lot! It’s weird!). And then before I knew it, my munchkin broski (James) and I had to leave for youth group. So I loaded up my guitar all the while listening to James asking, “Are you SUUURREEE it’s legal for you to drive like this? If the cops pull you over their gonna think you’re drunk because, let’s face it Hol, you don’t look normal right now…I mean, your face is like…not working” he demonstrated by mimicking a crooked smile and mumbling something inaudible. I told him that the Police wouldn’t have any reason to pull me over because I happen to drive like a responsible adult and he should really stop making fun of my temporarily stupid looking crooked smile, or else I might just drop him off in the middle of nowhere and leave him there. He stopped.

By the time I got to the youth building, I was really regretting the lack of pain meds in my purse. I’m not generally the type to take stuff for pain, but at this point I’m pretty sure I would have gnawed on tree bark if it would have helped. Everything hurt. Bad. The rest of the worship team enjoyed themselves, laughing at my pain. Which hey, I’m glad SOMETHING good came out of all this. And it was kind of funny I will admit. So we set about picking out songs and such. Amazingly enough, I could still sing.

After all the songs were practiced and rehearsed, I went into (Pastor) Matt’s office (I can’t remember why), and he got out a sticky note and a pen and asked me for my email address. I thought this was kind of weird since I was positive I had filled out one of those little card things with my email on it, but I grabbed the pen and clicked it so I could write my email…..to my absolute shock and horror, it was one of those pens that SHOCK THE LIVING DAYLIGTS OUT OF YOU.

I screamed.

Loud.

And of course, Matt and my best friend Benny were laughing their heads off.

After this, we all went into the main room and started the lesson.

“Those who don’t know don’t know they don’t know.” Matt said.

This was one of those statements that I have to cock my head, squint my eyes, and think real hard about before I “get it”, but when I did get it…well, it made a LOT of sense.

In short, the lesson was about how we deceive ourselves. Like for instance….. I’ll use myself as an example.

I forgive everyone. I don’t have problems with anyone. I can get along with anybody out there.

That’s what I’ve been telling myself. And it isn’t true.

I realized last night….that I am a totally BITTER person.

Say whaaat?!?! Holly? Psh, no way…she’s so nice…blah blah blah.

Well it’s not true. I’m not always nice. Or when I am, sometimes it’s all just sarcasm but the person doesn’t realize it.  Or maybe they do realize it. I donno. However, I find myself holding grudges. Over really STUPID things…like, she-said-something-mean-to-me-five-years-ago-and-now-I-don’t-like-her or he’s-hit-on-every-girl-I-know-he’s-such-a-player-and-I-can’t-stand-him. And I didn’t even realize I’ve been holding all this in, until yesterday.

So I’ve been trying to kind of deal with getting rid of all this…but I really don’t know how. I mean, I know that I’m supposed to “Let go and let God” but that’s such a standard answer. I guess I’m trying to figure out HOW to let go and let God. It’s tricky. Because in doing this…I’d be out of my comfort zone. And I love my comfort zone. It’s comfortable…cozy even.

I looked up comfort zone in the dictionary of Holly and this is what I found: “A lovely cozy place with fuzzy rugs and coffee with whipped cream and an infinite amount of adorable happy puppies and bubbles everywhere”

Something really awkward happened last night at youth. Actually it happened between me and a girl that I’ve been having problems with. This girl gives me so much crap about liking a person that I don’t like. That person being Benny, my best amigo. I’ve told her SO MANY TIMES that we don’t like each other, but she won’t give it up. She’d walk into a room and basically yell it out for everyone to hear and it isn’t true. So I stopped talking to her. I started holding a grudge. That’s wrong of me, because it doesn’t matter what she did. It matters what I do. And I’m not doing the right thing.

Yesterday, she asked me why I don’t like her.

My jaw dropped (which hurt because of the whole drilling thing earlier) and I didn’t know what to say for a minute. Then I told her that it isn’t that I don’t like her (because I think she’s a pretty darn cool person)…it’s that I’m sick of the teasing. I’m sick of the comments. I’m sick of feeling like I can’t even talk to my best friend in public without her making fun of us.

What she doesn’t know is if I did actually like him…teasing wouldn’t bother me. But it does bother me. It’s annoying. It’s actually beyond annoying.

So I told her.

And she said that I was being ridiculous, and I need to ‘wake up and smell the flowers because he’s perfect for you blah blah blah’.

Um hello…I think I would know if he was perfect for me. And he isn’t. My guy has to like dogs. Benny hates my dog. He told me so.   : )

Point is… I’m holding a grudge against this girl, and other’s as well. I’m posting this on my blog because I feel this is my way of taking my mask of bitterness and un-forgiveness off. This is my way of apologizing to those people and promising to be better. I’m going to work on forgiveness. I’m going to work on patience. I’m not going to expect everyone to be as perfect as me (ha. ha.). And I’m going to not only take this hideous mask off…but I’m going to leave it off. I’m going to stop being a jerk when people tease me about Ben. He’s my friend. I know that. He knows that. God knows that. So why do I care “what she said”? It doesn’t matter. What matters, is how I handle it. And so far I haven’t done well. Next time I’ll do better. Much better.